Understanding Compassion: More Than Just Sympathy

I recently completed Gabor Mate's most recent book, The Myth of Normal. There's a lot of wisdom packed into this book. Some ideas new to me, other ideas offering a different lens on familiar concepts. One of these re-frame moments came about in his section on compassion. Specifically, 'The Five Compassions'. When we think of compassion, we often think about interpersonal compassion: self-compassion and compassion towards others. This attitude of empathy towards ourselves and others is certainly one of the five compassions, but it is only a small glimpse at the larger picture.

If the first type of compassion is compassion in the context of interpersonal relationships (which most of us will already be familiar with), I will spend the rest of this blog describing the other types of compassion. This was a game-changer for me!

The second type of compassion: Compassion of Curiosity and Understanding

The principle upon which this type of compassion stands is that there are reasons WHY things exist and that WHY matters. Compassion of curiosity and understanding means to approach the 'why' of something you don't understand before approaching the 'how'. This often means accounting for the context and history in which something is happening. For example, your partner is acting on edge tonight and it's causing anger to boil up inside of you because you don't understand why they can't just settle down and relax. Embracing a compassion for curiosity and understanding means to assess the context in which your partner is experiencing their emotions. Are there things they could feel stressed about? Is there something you said you would do that you didn't? Taking this approach of compassionate inquiry as you engage with a situation you don't fully understand will not only lower your stress levels but will also make space for a genuine and authentic solution to present itself.

The Third Type of Compassion: The Compassion of Recognition

This is about commonality and humanity. The 'recognition' part of this compassion is to acknowledge that we are all in the same boat. We all have insecurities, fears, grief, obstacles to overcome. They just show up differently based on the person and the context of their circumstances. So the next time you find yourself judging (we all do it), either yourself or others, approach those negative thoughts with compassionate curiosity and provide yourself with the gentle reminder that we are all struggling with the same fundamental and existential truths.

The Fourth Type of Compassion: The Compassion of Truth

This one hit the hardest for me. As a therapist who practices radical acceptance, with myself and with my clients, I had never quite heard of such a unique conceptualization on what it means to radically accept. The compassion of truth means to be honest with yourself about how things really are. It's a paradigm shift from viewing pain as the enemy, to instead recognizing that sheltering yourself from the reality of pain is the true enemy and kryptonite to suffering. The compassion for truth means to compassionately open your eyes to reality.

The Fifth Type of Compassion: The Compassion of Possibility

There is more to the truth than what meets the eye. Whether it's truth about ourselves, others, or the world. The compassion for possibilty connects us to hope, curiosity, and imagination. It connects us to our creativity in a way. The world we live in does not always provide us with evidence that things will turn out okay, that there is good in the world, that our future will be something we feel happy and satisfied with. Staying connected with what's possible means to stay connected with the mysteries of your life that have not yet presented themselves. As Mate puts it, "The compassion of possibility, I would say, is a door we keep open so that we can see victory coming."

So there you have it. My summary of the five types of compassion Gabor Mate presents in his book, The Myth of Normal. When I started practicing an attitude of compassion beyond solely the interpersonal lens, I felt a lightening in my heart and a release of tension in my body. It is wildly effective at reducing suffering in your life while also contributing to a more loving, kind, and understanding world. I hope you're able to find as much peace in these practices as I have. Until next time!