Navigating Grief

Grief comes in many forms. Loss of a loved one, anticipating the loss of a loved one, non-bereavement grief (e.g. job loss, a breakup, some significant life change, etc.). And just as grief comes in many forms, how it is felt and expressed will differ greatly between individuals. Whatever the case may be, grief is an extension of love. And when something we love is ripped away from us, we don't know what to do with ourselves.

Grief is a significant aspect of human experience that I encounter frequently in my practice. Two things are certain about grief: 1. There is no cookie-cutter approach for how to deal with it; 2. we live in a society that does not validate it nearly enough. Whether you are grieving, supporting someone who is grieving, or experiencing the devastating nature of anticipatory grief, here is some general guidance that I hope brings some validation and comfort.

1. Knowing the difference between pain and suffering

Pain is the inevitable experience we have when someone or something we love is suddenly taken from us. It is a healthy and natural response to loss. Pain is like a blazing fire. There's nothing to do or change about it other than to ensure it is in a safe space and let it burn - the intensity of the fire naturally weakens over time. You might feel the embers of the fire for the rest of your life because pain is just an extension of love and the love you hold for those you've lost doesn't simply dissipate. So feel your pain, and trust that you can live a beautiful life even with those embers burning inside of you.

Suffering on the other hand is a result of your pain feeling dismissed or unsupported. Grief is not a problem that needs to be solved, it is an extension of love that needs to be tenderly held and honoured. Unfortunately, society has it backward in that people feel the pressure to try and make you feel better, when that is not the goal of grief work. Suffering comes from friends, family, colleagues, or strangers dismissing your pain. "They are in a better place now", "They lived a good life", "You'll get over it!", "you weren't even that close with them.", "No sense in dwelling on it.", "I know exactly what you're going through"... and the list of dismissive comments from well-intentioned people goes on. Suffering can also be self-inflicted through neglecting to take care of yourself or even shaming yourself for the intensity of your emotional experience or your lessened capacity for daily tasks. Suffering also happens when we rehash the events leading up to loss and ruminate on how things could have been different.

Suffering is the one part of grief we have some control over. This feels like a nice segue into one of those control factors: Self-care.

2. Self-care

Physical self-care often takes a backseat when grieving. When you are uncertain about how you can manage to ever sleep or laugh again, it is understandable that showering, eating, and getting dressed every day feels like a foreign self. Thoughts like, "What's the point?" will most likely be a reoccurring theme. Or your emotions might feel so overwhelming that simply breathing feels difficult enough. Here's the thing. Taking care of your physical self in small ways (showering, taking your vitamins or medication, brushing your hair, brushing your teeth, putting clean clothes on, making your bed, etc.) are some of the only tangible ways you can change your experience with grief. It certainly can't take away the pain, but tending to your physical being with kindness can reduce some added suffering.

Further, working with a therapist to address shame, regret, self-blame, or denial is another vital form of self-care. These emotional experiences fall into the category of suffering, meaning we can influence and change these ways of thinking.

So, tip one is to find small ways to tend to your physical body. It won't take away the pain but it can manage some of the added suffering. Tip two is to identify if you're self-inflicting emotional suffering and to find a therapist to work through those emotions.

3. Let loved ones know what you need

Because so many well-intentioned loved ones will offer forms of support that can do more harm than good, it's important to be honest about what you need. Let your loved ones know that simply having them around or checking in on you frequently is enough right now, and that you're not in a place for advice. Let them know that daily tasks have been difficult for you and that, if they have the time, a grocery run or a load of laundry would be a huge help. People want to support you, but often don't know how (understandably so...we don't learn how to handle grief in grade school!). Letting loved ones know what is helpful versus what isn't is most likely going to limit suffering more than leaving it up to chance.

4. Find an Outlet

Whether it is writing, talking, painting, drawing, singing, dancing, or any other type of creative force, find something that allows you to express yourself. There can be a lot of resistance to this at first because the purpose might not be all that clear to you at the start. But whatever your creative outlet becomes: it will always be there for you. Your emotions will never be too much for it. It can hold space for the darkest parts of you.

So there you have it. My short and sweet offering to you on grief. If you need support for your grief or anticipatory grief, contact me at carly@yourflowtherapy.com or book a session directly here.